Beat the ‘coulda-woulda-shoulda' of decision making

NASHVILLE, Tenn.—Decisions are everywhere, whether you realize it or not.

"You're making decisions constantly, whether it's intentional or subconscious," said Meena Banasiak, vice president of quality control and corporate responsibility at Phoenix Closures Inc., a manufacturer of packaging closures primarily in the food and beverage industry.

"(What) all decisions have in common, whether they're small or big, is that we have to make them based on some kind of criteria or reasoning," she said.

Sometimes, you move on after a decision and celebrate its satisfaction. But other times, the aftermath of a decision can weigh you down, especially when choosing between professional or life values.

"Something starts to pull us backward, and you begin questioning whether that decision was the right one," Banasiak said. "We start to relive or recalculate every little moment that led up to the point of that decision. We start to wonder if we're ever going to make any kind of sound judgment again."

In her presentation at Women Breaking the Mold Networking Forum, "Reframing Coulda-Woulda-Shoulda," Banasiak encouraged attendees to rethink how they approach decision making, especially when it comes to the concept of a work-life balance.

"The toughest (decisions) to navigate are the ones where we have conflicting priorities, where there are things that we fundamentally value that start to collide and now we have to choose between them," she said.

Because work-life balance is not 50-50. Nor is work in perfect equilibrium with every other priority you hold in life.

Work-life balance, she said, is "knowing that you are decidedly imbalanced, more often than not, but with purpose. Being balanced does not mean that you've got everything in control at one time. You give your attention to the things that are important because they have become important in that moment."

And when you decidedly tip the balance of your priorities, consequences or regrets are not uncommon.

When facing these potential consequences or regrets from a decision, Banasiak said to change perspective.

"This is not about toxic positivity, bright sides or silver linings," Banasiak said. "Your initial reaction is valid, but what do you do with it?"

You change the narrative. You reframe your situation.

Instead of questioning what you could do when faced with a decision, Banasiak said to explore the concept of capability.

People often hold themselves back when they're unsure of what they can handle, she said.

"Capability is a real quick way to say no to things and then find yourself wondering if you really should have gone back and said yes."

Offering quotes from Anais Nin and Gandhi, she told attendees that they may do themselves more harm by not stepping out of their comfort zones and seizing opportunities that come their way.

"What is the step that you aren't taking that is limiting you from achieving something completely different?" she asked. "You don't know what you're fully capable of until you actually try."

Banasiak said people must invest and believe in themselves when faced with opportunities.

"The goal here is to build self-confidence when we talk about capability," she said. "Often times we are harsher critics of ourselves than are the people around us who can readily see our potential and our ability. So let's make sure we're not being self-limiting."

When replacing "would" with "want," Banasiak said this is where you get to be a "little selfish."

"It means that we put our own interests at the forefront instead of acting … only in the interests of others," she said. "It's no longer a question of capability. We know we're rock stars. We know we're fully capable."

But when deciding to take on an opportunity, you must consider the time and energy you will put into it and what it will give you in return, she said.

"Is it going to fill your cup, or is it going to deplete it?"

And while obligatory responsibilities may still drain you, "when you have the opportunity to take power over that decision, know that this is a lever you can pull. It comes down to value-based decision making," she said.

"You make the best decision that you can with the information that you have at the time—with only your sense of intuition around what's important at this stage of your life."

She added, however, that you must understand that priorities shift, that you must continually evaluate your core values so you can confidently make decisions and defend them when faced with criticism or doubt.

When you've made a decision with confidence that is rooted in your core values, that doesn't leave a whole lot of room for regret.

"So where is it coming from?" Banasiak asked.

It all boils down to three concepts: validation, motivation and what's at stake.

Instead of dwelling on the "shoulda," Banasiak said to instead consider these concepts alongside your capabilities and values so that you may release your regrets.

When it comes to validation, she said to balance the approval you have for yourself and what you receive from others and how they stand against your capabilities and your wants.

Then consider what is driving your decision making. Is it what you believe in? Is it what's right for you, or is it the right thing to do? Is it intrinsic or extrinsic?

"None of these things are invalid, but they're important to consider as you weigh how you make a decision," she said.

Finally, have the awareness that there are always potential consequences to every decision, "but tomorrow is a new day."

Banasiak reminded attendees to be mindful of their mental health, telling them to find things for which to be grateful and to afford themselves "the same compassion and grace that you wouldn't hesitate to give to someone else."

"We're imperfect creatures as are the people around us. We're going to make missteps, and it is OK," she said. "We can work through it, we can be resilient, we can recover."